Intaglio Publications

Excerpts

 Pitifully Ugly Chapter One Excerpt - Author Robin Alexander 

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try the same damn thing over again.

Loyal, warm-hearted, and fun. Loves quiet evenings at home, enjoys cooking when it’s for someone besides myself. My favorite kind of day is a rainy cold Sunday when I’m curled up in bed with someone watching movies and eating junk food—

“Oh, my God, I’m a lap dog with culinary skills.” I buried my face in my hands and screamed in frustration. I’d spent my entire Saturday morning trying to come up with something eye-catching, and all I could manage was an ad for a dog looking for a good home. I fought the urge to cry when I realized I didn’t even want to date me.

Had I always been this boring? I’d managed to attract a woman at one time…well, at least three times. This time was different, though. I was operating without a net.

Like a monkey, I’d catch the next vine when it became obvious that the relationship was coming to an end. Neither Marla nor I wanted to be the first to admit that our relationship was on its death bed. Though we weren’t unfaithful to each other, we both put “feelers” out. Susan, a friend of a friend, made it clear she would be interested if I were single, and I grabbed that vine with both hands. After six years together, we did the exact same thing, and I swung into Cindy’s life. We were together two years, and she caught a vine of her own without warning. At thirty-seven, I was single, and there wasn’t a vine in sight.

I took one more disgusted look at my computer screen and pushed away from my desk intent on soothing my frustration with a handful of Oreos and a glass of milk. I thought better of that plan when a draft of cold air moved up the crack of my ass. My habit of cookie consolation had resulted in the ruining of my favorite jeans that were now split from the crotch halfway up my backside. I wondered if an apple would comfort me as much as a cookie. My taste buds said no.

Feeling sorry for myself, I stood at my window and stared down at the sidewalk. “I could get one of those.” I watched a cab pull to the curb and deposit a woman and her dog onto the sidewalk. The yellow ball of fluff sat patiently at its mistress’s side as the cabbie was paid. I caught a glimpse of blond curly hair protruding from the knit cap atop the woman’s head, but that was all I could see from my third-floor vantage point.

The knit cap with pooch in tow approached a moving van that pulled to the curb when the cab pulled away. “She must be moving into the Kellehers’ old apartment.” I watched as my new neighbor disappeared into the doorway. And then the Oreos began calling to me again.

I was about to heed their call when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped in my tracks. I’d put on at least ten pounds in the year after Cindy left. My hair was out of control. I’d given up trying to do anything with it. It sat piled on top of my head, held precariously by a banana clip. My eyebrows rivaled Andy Rooney’s.

I’d heard Kalen say a dozen times that a makeover worked miracles. Perhaps it was time I made myself over. I looked at my reflection again and decided that a diet would have to come first. The cookies had to go, and I had just enough milk to make that happen.

I was stuffing the last of them into my mouth when the phone rang. Kalen’s name showed on the caller ID. I tossed the phone back onto the table as I listened to her voice on my answering machine. “I know you’re in there, Shannon. Pick up this phone because if you don’t, you know I’ll be there in five. I have a key—”

“What?” I said around a mouthful of cookie.

“Be glad you picked up the phone because I have a date for you.”

This news was met with mixed emotion. I was intrigued, but a little gun-shy after the last fix-up. She was nice, but her cat pissed in my shoe and bit me on the ankle. All of which he denied, and she refused to believe that Mr. Jingles was capable of such behavior.

“Are you still there?” Kalen asked.

“Yes. Who is this person you’re giving me away to?”

“She’s Candace’s cousin. Remember? I told you about her. Her family owns a restaurant in Harahan, and by the way, that’s where she’s taking you for dinner tomorrow night. Wear something nice, no jeans. She’ll call you later this afternoon with the details.”

I decided not to tell her that jeans weren’t an option anyway since my ass was hanging out of my only decent pair. “Okay.”

“Excellent,” Kalen said. I could tell she was smiling, pleased with her accomplishment. “I’ll expect you to call me Sunday morning with all the details.”

My stomach twisted into knots as I dropped the phone back onto the table. The comfort cookies weren’t feeling so comfortable in the pit of my stomach. What would I wear? What would she think of me? Would I be able to relax around her? Did she have a cat?

The following evening found me in the front seat of a brand new Camaro. Jackie, my date for the evening, had chivalrously opened my door. I studied her as she walked around to the driver’s side. Dark hair cut stylishly short. Tall but not what I’d consider slender, which was fine with me. Being sidled up to some emaciated thing would only make me feel more miserable about my appearance. Nice smile, pretty green eyes.

“So, Shannon,” she said as she put on her seat belt. “Tell me all about yourself.”

I hated to hear that question. Just once, I wished I had the girl-balls to say, I work for the federal government in a department that I cannot disclose, but I can tell you that I’m trained to kill using nothing more than a toothpick. So when you say you’ll call, you damn well better do it. “I’m kind of a homebody. I like to read and watch movies. What about you?”

Jackie liked to do a great many things, one of which was talk about herself, which she did for the thirty minutes it took us to go two miles. No sooner than we merged onto the interstate, we came to a complete stop.

“I hate traffic.” Jackie gunned the engine for emphasis. “It never fails. There’s always an accident or construction jamming everything up.”

I wanted to commiserate but was distracted by the flush that rose up the side of her neck and the way she gripped the gearshift. Instead, I opted for something that would take her mind off the snarl that had us inching along. “So did I understand correctly that you were in the military for a while?” Jackie shot me a sideways glance. The flush that crept up her face was beginning to spread.

“Did Candace tell you that?”

“I think she might’ve mentioned it to my sister,” I said, wishing that I’d chosen another topic. Jackie’s face had turned completely red.

“That’s just like Candy. She loves to tell everyone about how I was discharged for anger management issues. I mean, you’d think that the Army would want someone willing to fight.”

Jackie revved the engine as the traffic began to move again at a snail’s pace. She rhythmically squeezed the steering wheel with both fists as she stared straight ahead. Awkward silence hung between us like a veil, and I pondered how long it would take me to walk back to my apartment.

“People like this piss me off.” Jackie pointed at the car sitting in front of us as the traffic in front of it moved up at least four car lengths. “She’s texting her ass off.” Jackie blew the horn, and the distracted driver gave her the one-finger salute before moving on.

“So what exactly is it that you do?” she asked as we came to a stop again.

“My sister and I own four hair salons. She’s the—”

“Bitch! Drive!” Jackie screamed out her window, earning another salute, but the car did move along. She ran her fingers through her hair and laughed nervously. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

I’d like to go home now. “Um…I was telling you what I did for a living.”

“Right.” Jackie waved her hand for me to continue as she glared at the car ahead.

“Kalen handles the staff and the promotion of our salons, and I handle all the paperwork and generally the stuff she doesn’t want to do. The high side is that I get to work from home.” I think you’re insane and I’m going to choke my sister and her buddy Candace for setting me up on this odyssey. I could’ve said the latter out loud because Jackie was completely focused on the happy texter in front of us.

“Be right back,” she said as she shifted the car into neutral and put on the parking brake.

“Where are you—” She was out of the car before I could finish. I watched in shock as she walked up to the car in front of us, reached into the driver’s window, and snatched the woman’s cell phone from her hand. Jackie wound up like she was pitching for the pros and tossed the phone into the brush along the interstate. “Fetch, bitch!” she yelled over her shoulder as she marched back to her car with a twisted smile.

I know I must have looked like I had lockjaw because I couldn’t close my mouth as she got back into the car and sped off down the shoulder. The owner of the cell phone looked exactly like I did as we flew past. I dared not speak until she pulled off at the next exit.

“Would you take me home, please?” I managed calmly when we stopped at a light.

“Are you serious?” She looked offended that I’d made such a request.

“Never mind, I’ll walk.” I was out of the car and halfway into a convenience store parking lot when Jackie squealed her tires in protest.

I could’ve called a cab, but I wanted Kalen to share in my misery. After all, she was the cause. She tried to keep a serious expression as I got into her car, but I could see the grin just waiting to be turned loose. “She threw the woman’s cell phone?”

“In a week or year, this will be funny as shit, but right now, Kalen, I want to choke you.”

“I’m sorry.” Kalen pretended to be looking in her side mirror, but I knew she was on the verge of tears…of laughter. She cleared her throat and shot me a quick glance. “You look really nice tonight. How about we not waste a great hair day and go have a few drinks?”

“Not interested. Take me home or I’ll jump out of your car, too.”

A tiny tear formed at the corner of Kalen’s right eye. In a matter of minutes, she would have no control of her emotions. We’d have to pull over until she laughed herself out, and I was in no mood for it.

“And, Kalen, don’t try to fix me up anymore. I don’t want to go out with any more wackos.”

“Hey.” Kalen raised a finger. “One bad apple—”

“One bad apple? Try a mixed bag of nuts!” I started ticking off each catastrophe on my fingers. “There’s the woman who claimed her cat talked to her, the other one who wanted to tie me up and suck my toes on the first date, and this latest one tops them all. Let me pick my own nightmares from now on.”

“Look, sis, I’m sorry. I really am. I have to call Candace right now, she’s gonna shit.”

“I’ll get out here. You won’t have to make the block,” I said when we got to my neighborhood.

Kalen reached over and grabbed my sleeve. “Shannon, I’m sorry.”

“No problem,” I said, not looking back as I climbed out of the car. I needed the fresh air. Frankly, I was tired of being the butt of the joke.

I stomped rather than walked down the street toward my building cursing under my breath. I slowed when I saw the woman I’d noticed moving in a few days earlier. As anxious as I was to be back in my apartment, I didn’t feel like having to endure small talk with the new neighbor.

As I approached, I noticed the dog sitting at her feet as she fumbled with the lock of the courtyard gate. A mass of long blond curls obscured her face from view. Occasionally, she’d swat at them angrily as she banged on the gate lock.

“Did you forget your key?” I asked. She spun on one heel, obviously startled. The dog stood, letting me know that it had her mistress’s back just in case.

“Do you live here?” She gave me a wary look.

“Uh-huh, third floor.” I pointed just in case she didn’t understand.

“My key must not work,” she said with a shrug. “It goes in, but the lock won’t turn.”

“It gets sticky sometimes after it rains or if it’s particularly humid. Mind if I give it a try?”

She stepped back out of the way, and I jiggled the key until the lock released. I handed her key back to her. “When I see Kevin, I’ll ask him to oil it again. That helps a lot.”

“Kevin is your husband?” She ushered her dog through the gate.

“I’m not married,” I managed with an awkward smile. “Kevin takes care of the building since the Healys don’t live on the premises. He lives here on the first floor if you ever need anything.”

“That’s right, Mrs. Healy did tell me about him when I moved in. Everything’s been a blur this week. I’m Hailey Morgan by the way. I just moved in.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Shannon.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, as well.”

And this is where it gets difficult for me. If I’m talking about a sticky lock, I’m fine, but beyond the topic at hand, I get tongue-tied. The more it became apparent that I was expected to talk, my mind went blank, and I just stood there like a dolt.

Her dog tilted her head, and for a second, I thought I could read her mind. Speak, moron.

“Well, thank you for letting me in.” Hailey turned and walked away.

I pretended to find something interesting in the courtyard so I wouldn’t have to walk into the building with her. After the door closed behind her, I dropped onto a bench and berated myself. The night had been a complete disaster, and I topped it off by humiliating myself in front of a woman who I’d no doubt encounter again.